Turning Blue (18/30)

“Should I be wading?
Should I be wading for you?
Don’t keep me waiting
I will turn blue…”
*

I have a really bad habit
of asking people to stay
knees to ground
fists clinching pant legs
wondering why
you would ever think
to walk away from me
in the first place

just tell me
how come my love
was never quite enough

how come everyone
and everything
becomes your priority
and I’m left to deal
with the tough stuff

I’ve tried
giving you space
giving you affection
the benefit of the doubt
and time

tried
blaming myself
blaming your wife
blaming every single
fucking flaw of mine

tried
praying to god
crying to god
yelling at god
nothing seems to work

and I’m
sick of waiting
sick of the triggers
sick of getting my feelings hurt

’cause if you really wanted me
you would be here
and I wouldn’t have to
make all these excuses
and I wouldn’t have to be
so fucking patient
that’s some shit
that I never could get used to

waiting for a phone call
waiting for a text
gave up on first
I’m just tryna be next
waiting for “I miss you”
waiting for the day
I can stop waiting
for you to love me

the way I love you
the way I need
a way that’s not lazy
a way that feeds

this broken heart of mine
that never seems to mend
that won’t let you

I should let you go…
________
|*from Jhené Aiko’s “Wading“, which I sang softly while writing this

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