Yellow At The Library (13/30)

“look at the stars
look how they shine for you
and everything you do…”

when your sister-in-law messages you
the little girl inside of you
will shout “yay”
from beneath the pile of “please be my friend”
and stand so tall and proud

when she asks how you’ve been
you will take your time answering
being sure to sound happy
but not the kind of happy
that’s annoying

when she replies
that she is expecting
you will collapse inside
and that little girl
will become a woman
sitting in the shower
crying a silent scream
just three days ago

you will type “congratulations”
and tell yourself to be happy
you will tell yourself to be happy
it’s okay to not feel happy

as you sit at a library table
facing exactly six strangers
who will see your sorry tears
if you break and cry

you will recognize this “failure”
this “not again”
this “what am I doing wrong”

it is the same script
you have repeated
since the first miscarriage

and the bleeding hasn’t stopped

“do you know
for you I’d bleed myself dry?…
for you I’d bleed myself dry”

________
|*from Coldplay’s “Yellow”, playing softly on my iPod

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