A few nights ago, I dreamt I was at a reunion. He* came and sat next to me. There was enough space between us to symbolize distance, but he was close enough that I could see him clearly. He looked good. Like, full of life and happy.
We talked indirectly, which was weird, but made sense. At some point, something very important to me went missing. I went searching for it. Some people helped me look for it. I was having a panic attack and announced my anxiety, so everyone would know the state I was in. I don’t remember if I found my important thing.
The reunion was over, but some people were still hanging out. I texted him, asking if he was gone. He replied something contradicting, yet made sense, like, “yes no”. He said he would save my number again. I thought he shouldn’t bother.
I woke up, feeling like I was recalling a memory; not a dream. I understood the symbolism right away. I knew what I was telling myself. I knew right away.
There were other elements in the dream: a highway, the jerk who took my important thing, going inside of a building to look for my important thing… The daylight. His smile. Can I remember a scent?
I thought about texting him… or even calling. It’s been over a year since we’ve really spoken. Usually, when I dream of him so vividly, I reach out and let him know. These dreams are like my Bat Signal. Like, I’m being called and I have to answer. Like, the fate of humanity depends on it.
But, I’d made an agreement with myself last month: No calls. No texts.
‘Cause no one knows your heart like you.
The thing about boundaries is, I sometimes think of them in terms of others coming towards me. The real work, for me, is creating boundaries with regards to me going towards others.
‘Cause no one knows my heart like me.
I know that I’m willing to “bleed it out” for someone. I’m learning that I should probably keep most of the blood for myself…
|*I thought about using a fake name, but “he” works just as well.