I had a good conversation with my sister yesterday and a similar one with my husband just now and the point was: letting go of things that no longer serve you.
You know… the people you feel obligated to… the friends you keep because of history… family members… just a bunch of dead weight and negative emotions bringing you down…
As one of my favorite memes says: Chill, homie. You need to let that shit go.
We — and by “we” I mean “I, personally” — put too much time and energy into people last year who just didn’t reciprocate.
And, I know, “I love hard… and I shouldn’t expect people to mirror my level of affection… and I should accept people for who they are… and see the ways they show affection… and their love language… and blahblahfuckingblah blahblahshutthefuckup.
The truth is, I DO have expectations. I expect friends to show up in my life when I need them. I expect friends to call/text me back. I expect friends to make time for me. I expect friends to put in some form of true effort.
If you’re not doing this, then why the fuck are we friends?
If I’m not there for you and I ignore your attempts at communication and I don’t make time for you, you should probably stop considering me a friend because I obviously don’t care that much about you and I’m probably just waiting for you to get the hint and fade off into the distance.
Yet, here I am, with a phone full of numbers that I would have to dig up the courage to use knowing that there’s a 98%* chance that the person on the other end won’t answer.
Or, there I was.
I’m at a place in my life right now where I just don’t care that much. I’m preparing to move cross country, I’m TTC**, I’m dealing with all of the emotional stuff that comes with both of those… I don’t have time to lament over someone who’s too busy for me or just plain inconsiderate and inconsistent.
So, I started deleting people from my life.***
Like, I got fed up thinking about someone, went to delete their number, and realized I had already gotten fed up before and deleted it!
Like, I went through my Facebook friends in order of birthday chanting, “We don’t need to be friends… We don’t need to be friends…” while unfriending people.
Like, remember my friend who moved away a few posts back who told me once I move in 6 months we don’t need to keep in touch anymore and I said I would still text them on their birthday? Yeah, as soon as I’m done writing this post, I’m deleting their number, too. And here’s why:
I don’t have the time or the self-control.
If I love someone, I want to tell them. If I miss them, I want to tell them. If I wonder how they are doing… you get the point. And the most empowering thing I can do to avoid the heartache of seeing a name in my contacts and telling myself, “I know you care. I know you just want to remind them you care. Don’t do it,” is to not even have the tools. No tools, no fixing things. And I love to fix things and be the one to let people know I still care.
Even when they no longer care whether I care, but like the attention too much to just tell me that.
If someone wants to leave, there’s the door. And it works both ways if they want to come back.
But, I can’t guarantee I’ll still be here when they do.
|*The other 2% of the time, they answer. This is usually when I really don’t expect them to, but I reach out to spread love anyway, and they surprise me by answering, giving me false hope the rest of the 98% of the time. Assholes.
|**Trying To Conceive aka get pregnant and have a baby.
|***If I recently told you I lost a bunch of contacts, that’s true. While merging email accounts, I fucked up and lost some contacts from my old email account. I didn’t lie to you. And thanks for hitting me up so I could have your number again.