Oh, There’s That Little Voice

So, I thought I was doing a pretty good job of dealing with this friendship break-up. I’d gotten to a place where I could start to talk about it in a positive place without having to hold back tears. I said it’s for the best and I believed that.

Enter: The Sabateur! *dun dun-dun duuuuuun!*

You know that mean little voice in your mind that knows all of your history and knows exactly how to bring you down? Yeah, that muthafucka showed up ready.

Sabby–that’s what we’ll call it–showed up today with the full intention of making me feel totally insecure. I started to question the friendship in the first place, playing back memories with my “insecure” lens. I started thinking unhealthy things, remembering all the people in my past who had let me down, disappointed, and walked away from me.

“History is bound to repeat itself,” so the same thing was happening now, right? Instead of just dropping me, my friend had let me down gently when they knew all along they only wanted attention and affection and didn’t really love me anyway, right?

Wrong.

So fuckin’ wrong.

Here’s the thing: the law of attraction basically says what you are/look for, you get. I was looking for all the reasons my friend was (deep down) like all the other scumbag selfish assholes human beings who had used my kindness against me. I was looking for a reason to be mad because anger is power and sadness, sometimes, makes me feel powerless.

At some point, I stopped. I asked myself,

Why are you feeling so insecure?

And I came up with a list of reasons:

1. My friend just moved away and we’ll probably never speak or see each other again. Just like [insert names of people who don’t text me back].

2. My husband is away for the weekend and I’m physically alone.

3. My ex-iversary* just passed and even though I woke up, middle fingers up, chanting, “Fuck you! Fuck you!” it’s still my yearly reminder that I “failed” at something.

4. I’m moving in like 6 months!

5. I’m opening myself to new friendships while trying to decide which relationships are no longer worth my time.

I acknowledged that Sabby was doing what Sabby does best: making me feel crappy and hiding my sadness from me. I don’t want to do that. I want to rightfully feel my sadness and anxiety and not morph it into comfortable rage.

I forced myself to think of good times I’d spent with my friend and said out loud,

“Whatever their intentions, they served their purpose.”

That’s it. Whatever I was/am meant to learn from our season of friendship was learned/is being revealed.

My point is, we can drive ourselves sick and crazy worrying about the intentions of others. The truth is, we’ll never know. What we DO know is what we feel and how we behave and what it means to us. That’s it.

So, Sabby can suck it. (You tried it today, Sabby.)

I would much rather be a champion of my sadness than a victim of my insecurity.

________
| *Did you know I was married once before?! Someone I was seeing some years ago called me a “divorcee” and, at the time, I wanted to punch them. I’s remarried nah!

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