8 months into this pregnancy and I never would’ve guessed I’d feel so lonely. Prior to finding out I was pregnant, I was social. I attended parties. I went out dancing once a month at clubs and bars. I spent an hour or two on the phone with friends. I listened. I reached out. I was always there. Always down to hang out. Always willing to support a friend.
Pregnancy has changed me. It’s not that I don’t want to still be a social butterfly; my wings are just tired.
By 8:30, I’m ready to call it a night. Early morning and/or midday naps are a godsend. Shortness of breath makes it a struggle to hold long conversations. Sitting or standing for extended lengths of time hurts my body.
I thought going through this experience would bring me and my friends closer. I thought I had an amazing network of friends who were thoughtful and supportive and would be with me every step of the way. I was wrong.
I’ve been accused of not being around and of being cold when I was simply setting boundaries. I’ve basically been told, “I miss the old you.” How hurtful to feel so alone in this experience and have people you love project their insecurities and expectations on you.
I can’t be the shoulder to lean on right now. I would love to, but I can’t. And it hurts to have to accept that reciprocity is not there. Now, when I need support and understanding and care the most, now I find myself slowly, but surely, crossing names off my “Support Squad” list.
I don’t need to feel guilty for not being at anyone’s beck and call. I don’t need to be stressed when someone disregards boundaries I’ve set. I don’t need to feel like “Pregnant Jenise” isn’t as cool as “Party Jenise”.
“Pregnant Jenise” is fucking funny, and sassy, and cool, and you would know that if you ever gave her a chance.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m extremely grateful for the ones who have stood by me since day one of this journey. I am beyond blessed to have people who text me simply because they’re thinking of me and the baby. People who want to hang out and laugh with me. People who offer support instead of opinions.
But, I’m still sad about the ones who don’t bother to call or don’t understand where I’m coming from or who expect me to be the same giver I was before.
I’m not that person anymore. And I’m just going to continue to evolve once Baby Jelly is here.
And if that bothers you or you feel “left out” or “ignored”… well, that’s not really my problem, is it?
You can’t be my priority now. If you don’t like that, that kinda sucks for you.